64. My Turn Now

noreply@blogspirit.com (Stephanie Fey) — Mon, 26 May 2008 10:35:00 +0000

I couldn’t sleep.

“You can’t sleep, can you?”

“No! I can’t sleep! Who the hell are you anyway?”

“Sleeplessness.”

“Oh, right. Hi. Great! That’s all I need: another imaginary pain in the arse! Here’s an idea: sod off! Some of us are trying to sleep around here!”

“Yes, I’m imaginary alright! No getting away from that one! So, what are you thinking about?”

“Stupid question! We won’t get on too well if you don’t get smart! After all, you’re the only person paying attention. Who else is listening around here, if not you?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“If you must know – although I know you already know and you’re just trying to make sure that I stay awake! – then I’m thinking about being unable to sleep, about being alone, about the entire town knowing I’m crazy and that I see things, about the whole town knowing I’m easy, about being a stalker and about the fear I put in others and all because I was lost inside and tried to hold on to a myth of my own making, about my bloody interfering mum, about being a little girl in Flagstaff and how simple life was, about my brother (wherever he is!), Lizzie (wherever she is!), and about where I’m going to go from here, and about James and why I feel nothing towards him right now, when for so long I was feeling such intensity! Oh, and about Kidman – and how much I thought I loved her when all I loved was who I desperately want to be! And I’m thinking about the fact that I can’t sleep, when I feel so achingly tired! So desperately tired! Oh, did I mention that already? Anyway. That do for you?”

“Thanks. Listen. I’ll let go if you will.”

“Let go? Of what? Hey, you implying I’m touching myself? Now you listen, some girls do and some girls don’t! This girl don’t!”

“All that stuff you’re thinking about. I’ll let go if you will.”

My head was reverberating. I had that momentary disjointed feeling when you think that your mind has just slipped slightly out of your head – it happens just before you fall asleep. That slight inner slide of different properties. I felt it and something inside said "yes" to sleeplessness and we both let go together. Delicious and, because I was so tired, slightly painful too, like hands were roughly dragging me down into sleep.

Then a new disjointed feeling. At some point I woke up and looked around me at the dark shadows of the room. I was awake, and yet something made me feel that I wasn’t awake. There must have been a full moon outside as I could see the outline of things in the room. But something was different. All the shadows looked different – something about the perspective was odd. Also, my body felt different. Light. Unbound. Severed in some way. Disjointed in some way, yes. Then my hand moved…

Nicole Kidman stars in: 'The Astronaut Dropped'

64. My Turn Now